We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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