she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
