I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
