Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sext me about skeletons
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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