If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
