I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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