Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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