God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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