Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
