Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
