i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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