Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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