i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
