Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
