I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We have started to decorate penises.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
