God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
