You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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