how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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