Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
