I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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