life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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