oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
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