At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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