i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
