in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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