cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
