If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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