My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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