What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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