I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
