The maid of honor just puked.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Fuck appropriateness.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
