Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize