im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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