Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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