It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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