No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
