I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
