I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
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I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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