Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
