Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
