Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
