i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
