I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
