i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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