I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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