I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
