brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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