Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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