You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
where are you?
Hypothermia
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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