all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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