I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
