I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
