Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize