My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
