Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
