is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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